It’s been a weird experience, hasn’t it. Lockdown.

From the initial changes, then the adaption, to now in the UK, the gradual easing of the rules, as our society slowly begins to roll back into life.

Yet, we know its not over and the ripple effects will go on for a while but it is showing me another side – what I value, love, embrace and need. I’m not surprised, I hadn’t forgotten it was there – instead it has embedded even more deeply within me that I am completely right in what I sense and feel is good and healthy for me in my life.

Being at home with family  – a source of joy to me, as my children are both adults leading their own lives. The luxury of having my 27 year old son and 25 year old daughter at home, is not lost on me in the moment, as I revert back to early mornings of washing our clothes and hanging them out for the day. A ritual and task which I never would have thought could have been embraced so readily by me – let alone enjoyed.

Not being able to travel, a love which envelopes me readily, pulls out a sense of grief for its loss. My freedom – i’ve tied it to experiencing the world,  different cultures, ways and people. I’m happy with my choice – I know that I enjoy change, stimulating environments, different smells, places and spaces. I don’t necessarily enjoy being indoors but have found small freedoms in the park near my home and the shoreline I love to walk along.

The uncertainty for me, lies in not knowing when I can escape my home shores again, so I can feel myself fully as an english woman. If I think too hard I begin to feel trapped. I healthily distract myself. My self care is good.

To experience who I am within my culture – ironically takes me to leave it, to sense that part of me in its entirety. I am proud of the family I was born into, the place I grew up in and the country in which I was raised.

I have spoken to some, who seem to be experiencing something similar to me – the lockdown experience. Simply being around home, out daily in the community, connecting with those next to us whom we normally only spend a moment of our time to say hello to – suddenly became so much more important. Yet there is also that sense of loss as things change. For something unseen but felt.

I think being online is a useful tool but is it a way in which I’d want to live my life. Not for me, I reiterate to myself. Creating your own routine. Not having to deal with office politics or social nuances normally associated with our daily lives and even dealing with being alone are some of its benefits though.

• What awareness does it bring to you.
• How have you felt.
• Has it allowed you time to reflect, look at your life.
• Think about the things which satisfy and dissatisfy you.
• Has conflict appeared from within as you’ve dealt with the daily dalliances, differences and difficulties in all of this.
• Have you relished and enjoyed its dialectical nature. The space it has provided you with, whilst simultaneously hating society being controlled in this way – although you understand why.
• Where do you sit.
• What do you want.
• How do you want to move forward.
• Is what you want out of life now, different than what you asked of it before?

How has the dialectical nature of lockdown changed who you are as person. Do you like the change. If so or even if not, what are you going to do about it, to continue or create momentum. Now is your time!