Today I was reminded of this statement, as I made my way down to the Southend Shoreline for my first September swim.
The morning had started out cloudy, a tinge of mist hovering over the water, as a light wind caused kiss curls to flick their way across the estuary.
I’d not been down there alone for a while, the beach was deserted. No children’s laughter echoed across the shingle. Yet I wasn’t going to allow a momentary fear stop me from doing something my soul sorely needed.
My mind turned to our year long travels, long ago but with happy memories still present. I was reminded of how much I learnt from spending time with just me and my family. Society was transient.
Never staying in one place to long to get hooked into any community.
A conscious choice for this journey and one I realised to be incredibly important for my psyche. As my therapist brain began to assess the person I was, through the realm of travel and make sense of me as an individual. I suppose in one way, it was the greatest gift I could give to myself through experiential learning. The understanding of me, my needs, wants, desires and choices for the next chapter of my life.
I did not let others judge me, or get embroiled in community matters but steered clear of such things. Healing and self care were needed through this time and fun is always an important element in allowing that to happen. I saw the good parts of me; the dark side. I understood both ruthlessness and compassion-need and greed. Finally coming to my own decision that I was ok and not being perfect was fine. That I didn’t need to fulfil anyone else’s requirements but my own and actually I was an ok judge of character and held a deeper understanding surrounding relationships and psychological pain, trauma and growth. Which I was fortunate to contain.
Laying in the clear, cool estuary waters this morning, my free mind reminded me once again what it means to be ok. After checking out a beginners lesson with the open water swimming coach, I had come to the conclusion that unless I decided to access a one to one session, to have a professional extend my open water experience. Then until that time I decided to invest in it, not being able to swim the farthest, in the deepest water or doing it for the longest time, didn’t matter, because i’m happy in my own skin. Ok with being me. I find enjoyment and pleasure in deciding how I find my way, out on the estuary, in an open body of water and am able to face my fears consciously and do it anyway.
I’d reminded myself that being ok is good enough and in fact-in this instance, being ok meant having the ability to swim slightly out of my depth but confident of being able to bring myself back in. Had me listening to my core and allowing it to tell me how this experience was for me, in any given moment and enabled me to feel the connection within, of being in a happy place and what it provided me with. A wonderful natural rush, a circulatory system working well and feeling the joy rather than the fear of being the only person out there. It was all ok, and that was all I needed to know in that moment. It was the reminder I needed to reconnect me with myself.
Do you feel ok with yourself and what do you do to reconnect?